


All Too Well

by DrowningAmongWords



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, F/M, M/M, Sad Ending, conversion camp mention, taylor swift song verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 19:57:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14432970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrowningAmongWords/pseuds/DrowningAmongWords
Summary: "And I know it's long goneAnd there was nothing else I could doAnd I forget about you long enoughTo forget why I needed to"Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak were supposed to be together forever. It was cliche, sure, but they were made for each other. They fit. Until they didn't.





	All Too Well

“Dean! I’m home!” Castiel shouted, his voice ringing through their small apartment. He hung his coat up and kicked his shoes off by the door.  
“In here!” he heard Dean shout back and he followed the voice to their small kitchen, hidden between their bedroom and even smaller living room. He wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist, edging his chin onto his shoulder.  
“Don’t distract me, I’ll mess up dinner!”  
“Dean, you’re making pasta, I seriously doubt you can mess that up…”  
“You need to cook it just the right amount of time or else it will be soggy and inedible.”  
“You really are a chef in the making, huh? Benny teach you all of that?”  
Dean couldn’t help roll his eyes, Benny, his best friend was in fact a cook, owned his own little dinner 20 minutes out of the city. And yes, he did teach him how to cook pasta because Dean happened to be a little sick of take out.  
“I just like eating home cooked meals,” Dean says, swatting Cas’ hands off his waist.  
Cas shrugs and leans up against the counter next to the stove, “microwave meals are technically home cooked,” he said with a smirk.  
“Feel free to eat that, I’ll enjoy this very nice, perfectly cooked pasta alone then,” Dean said while straining it into the sink.  
“No! Gimme!” Cas whined, grabbing Dean’s arm.  
“Calm down Cas, you’ll get your pasta soon enough. Long day at work?”

Cas sighs, slipping off the counter and padding over to the small window nook table, “well, the experimental control didn’t go as well as we were hoping, so we either have to change the control or come up with a new hypothesis, which would mean throwing out like six months of data.”  
Dean brought the pasta and plates to the table, setting them down before grabbing the marinara sauce and napkins, “I’m sorry babe, what do you think you’d do in place for the control?”  
“Well the rats are responding to the saline water which we didn’t think they would, so we were thinking of either injecting nothing or just plain distilled water to see if they react compared to the rats injected with lithium chloride. Anyways I’m probably boring you. How was work for you?”  
“The kids were more interested in this game they were playing than the Roman Empire. I don’t even know what it was, but I took away the paper they were passing around and it had these different categories and lists of stuff in each one, honestly no idea what it was about. None of ‘em wanted to tell me what it was about anyways. Whatever, their loss when they fail the test,” Dean sighs, running a hand through his hair as he sits across from Cas.  
“In their defense the Roman Empire is kinda fucking boring,” Cas jokes, piling the pasta onto his plate.  
Dean glares at him and pours the sauce over his pasta before shoveling some into his mouth.  
“Hey, it’s just like you think my research is boring, we hate each other’s fields. No big deal.”  
“Whatever, the Roman Empire is way more interesting than lab rats and chemicals anyways.”  
“Is not,” Cas says, sticking his tongue out at the man across the table.  
“Yeah, yeah. Are you excited to see your sister tomorrow?”  
“Yeah, been a while since we’ve been over there, I know we’ve both been busy but that’s not a good excuse,” Cas says, reaching his hand across the table to thread their fingers together.  
“Me too, she’s a sweet lady, pretty cool job too.”  
“Yeah, Yeah, religion studies professor. Very interesting, you two would go on for hours if I let you,” Cas said with a roll of his eyes. In reality, he was glad Anna and Dean got along. He wanted Dean in his life and he was happy when him and Anna clicked.  
~  
“I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,  
But something 'bout it felt like home somehow and I  
Left my scarf there at your sister's house,  
And you still got it in your drawer even now.”  
~  
“Hey Dean, it’s so nice to see you again,” Anna says as she swings the door open, all red hair and shining smile. She surprised both of them by pulling Dean in for a big hug.  
“It’s nice to see you too, Anna.”  
“Hope you two had a nice drive up,” Anna says with a twinkle in her eye, ushering the two inside before closing the door from the cold.  
“If you count listening to some old rock tunes as nice then sure,” Cas chimes in, slipping off his coat, and Dean smacks him.  
“Led Zeppelin aren’t just some old rock tunes, Cas!”  
Cas nods, laughing a little.  
“Here Dean, let me take your scarf and coat,” Anna offers, holding her arms out.  
Dean pulls off his scarf, a red & black plaid one Cas had given to him last Christmas because it matched his ‘dozens of flannels’.  
“I’ll keep my coat on, thank you. It’s a little cold.”  
“I used to tease him about wearing so many layers until I figured out that he’s cold literally all the time,” Cas laughs before wrapping an arm around Dean’s waist and smiling warmly at him.  
“Alright, I have some tea ready after the long drive, if you want to sit in the living room, I’ll bring it in,” Anna says as she walks them into her small but comfortable living room.  
“Do you have any coffee? Dean here isn’t a fan of tea,” Cas asks, settling into the blue flowered sofa.  
“Tea is fine, I don’t want to be a bother,” Dean pipes up, sitting next to Cas. He could feel the heat in his cheeks and knew his whole face was probably red.  
“Nonsense. I’ll start a pot of coffee for you now,” Anna says.  
Before Dean could protest, she already left the room and her heels clicked across the floor towards the kitchen.  
“She loves you,” Cas says, pulling Dean closer to him.  
“Yeah, yeah, all the ladies do,” Dean jokes, leaning his head on Cas’ shoulder.  
~  
“Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.  
We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate.  
The Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,  
And I can picture it after all these days.”

~

“We do have the whole weekend,” Dean reasons as he pulls out of Anna’s driveway.  
“And by the whole weekend, you mean tomorrow?” Cas asks, as the Impala roars as Dean puts it in drive and speeds down the road.  
“Exactly! Let’s go on an adventure!”  
“We don’t even have any spare clothes and stuff!”  
“So? Let’s go with the flow, drive farther up north, hit the beach!”  
“Fine, so are we checking into a sketchy motel for the night?”  
“Hell yeah, only the finest of establishments for you babe,” Dean laughs, rolling down the window even though it’s 30 degrees out.  
“Okay, but we better not get a cold again because someone decided to make us go ‘swimming’ in this kind of weather.”  
“Nah, I won’t let that happen babe,” Dean says, hand reaching out for Cas. He lets their fingers intertwine and his thumb absentmindedly rubbing the palm of Cas’ hand.  
“That was kind of funny though,” Cas muses, leaning his head back, slipping his eyes shut, and thinking back to that weekend.  
~  
“Dean! It’s like 20 degrees out! And you just shoved me in the freezing cold water!” Cas whines as he attempts to move, the cold and the weight of his wet clothes slowing him down.  
“Would it make you feel better if I joined you?” Dean asks, already taking off his shoes.  
“No! It would make me feel better to get the hell out of here!”  
Dean ran into the ocean, shivering as the cold water splashed around him. He ran towards Cas who in turn was making his way towards Dean. They met in the middle and Cas smacked Dean upside the head.  
“What were you thinking?”  
Dean shrugs, pulling Cas into a hug, who was shaking and shivering like a leaf.  
“Let’s get you out of here,” Dean says, wrapping his arm around Cas’ waist as they both trudge out of the water.  
“God, you get more cold than I do!” Cas whines later that night as they were buried under all the blankets in their apartment.  
“I wanted to see how you’d react babe. It was like, a scientific experiment,” Dean laughs, throwing his head back as his eyes crinkled and his smile widened.  
“Science experiment my ass,” Cas mumbles, squeezing Dean’s hand.  
“You love me anyways,” Dean sighs, pulling Castiel closer to him and kissing the top of his messy hair.  
“Yeah, yeah. I will if you go and order us some pizza,” Cas says, wriggling around to face Dean with his ever-innocent smile.  
“Fine, but only because you’re pretty,” Dean complies, pulling away from Cas and off the couch.  
Cas watched as Dean padded into the kitchen to get the menu from their favorite pizza place.  
“Hi, yes, I’d like to order a pizza for delivery,” Dean leans against the counter, smiling back at Cas who was staring at him with those bright blue eyes.  
“Yeah, I’ll get one large cheese pizza with extra olives,” Dean says, trying not to laugh.  
Cas’ eyes widen and he shoots up from the couch, “Dean Winchester! Don’t you dare! Olives are disgusting!”  
Cas runs into the kitchen as if the living room were on fire, and he chased Dean around the room.  
Cas eventually won because Dean was laughing so hard his sides hurt. Cas snatched the phone out of Dean’s hand, “hi, yes, scratch the pizza with olives, we’ll just get a large cheese. Yes,” Castiel continues, telling the man the address and apologizing for the chaos.  
“You know, olives are kinda gross,” Dean admits, laughing even harder when Cas hung up and glared at him.  
“You’re gonna get it,” Cas threatens and Dean laughs so hard he almost cries.  
“No offense or anything but you’re way too cute to be threatening,” Dean says, pulling Cas in and although Cas resists at first he soon melts into Dean’s arms.  
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Cas whispers, his breath hitting the side of Dean’s neck. Dean grips his hips tighter and Cas takes that as an okay to start littering kisses up and down his neck, sucking and biting small marks that would disappear by morning.  
“Love you,” Dean breaths out, a hand wrapping in Cas’ hair.  
“You too,” Cas mumbles, his lips still pressed against Dean’s skin.  
~  
While driving down the long country road, Dean was thinking about that same weekend.  
~  
Later that night Dean confronted him, it was stupid really, something that has been nagging him for the past year.  
“Why don’t you say you love me?” Dean asks, sitting on the edge of their bed as Cas emerges from their bathroom, in just a towel.  
“What do you mean?” Cas asks, stripping and pulling on sweatpants.  
“I always say ‘I love you’, and you always say you too or something, you never say I love you back.”  
“Dean, are you serious right now?”  
Dean looks down at his lap, hands fidgeting. Maybe he was being paranoid.Maybe Cas has said it, he just never realized it.  
Nevertheless, he pushed the subject, “you do love me don’t you?”  
Cas throws the damp towel into their hamper and sits down next to Dean, “of course I do Dean,”  
“Then why can’t you say it? Why can’t you just tell me you love me?”  
Cas’ thumb brushed against his cheek and he leaned into it, not realizing he was brushing away a tear.  
“Hey, Dean, look at me, please.”  
Dean reluctantly lifted and turned his head, looking into those damned blue eyes who seemed to be searching his face for an explanation of this sudden outburst.  
“You know how I told you that I don’t talk to my mom anymore?”  
Dean nods, remembering how horrible his mother, Naomi was to him when he came out. She sent him to a fucking conversion camp. Scarred Cas for life.  
“When the bus was taking me away, she told me that she would never love me. That Gabe, Anna, they would never love me. Nobody would ever love me because I’m gay. And when I got to the camp that’s one of the biggest things they pushed on us. ‘God doesn’t love you, your family doesn’t love you, nobody is going to love you until you get right, until you aren’t a fag’ and I don’t know, I know that’s not true, that I’m loved but I still have doubts. I still don’t understand that I’m worthy of love sometimes. It’s hard for me.”  
Dean nods, understanding but not at the same time. His dad told him that he should ‘get right’ and Sammy hugged him and said he didn’t care, his mom, well, Dean never got to find out what his mom would think but he hopes she’s okay with his decision to love whoever he wants to love. But he was never abandoned by his family. His dad eventually came to terms with it, didn’t bother understanding the term ‘bisexual’ but shrugging and nodding when Dean told him he had a boyfriend or a girlfriend.  
After that night though, it was never the same. Cas has still never been able to say the words ‘I love you’, no matter how many times Dean says it. No matter how many times Dean tries to assure him that he’s loved, he’s loved by him and Anna and Gabe and screw his mom, she doesn't matter.  
~  
And I know it's long gone,  
And that magic's not here no more,  
And I might be okay,  
But I'm not fine at all.

~  
“Dean, remember how we both called out of work that Monday?” Cas asks, looking over at Dean.  
“Yeah, our bosses thought we were faking it to hang out all day, wanted us to prove we were sick, those little shits,” Dean laughs, “Charlie was just teasing, she knew I was sick as hell but Luke genuinely thought you were fucking around, what an idiot,” Dean looks at Cas, smiling at his boyfriend.  
“Yeah, still an asshole, whatever, hey, do you wanna stop in the next town for dinner?” Cas asks, blushing when his stomach literally grumbles.  
“Considering your stomach just yelled at me, sure,” Dean says, pulling off at the next exit.  
“Camden, I’m sure Anna’s told me about it but lord knows I don’t remember,” Cas says, reading the signs as they move towards the stop light.  
“Your memory is pretty shit, you know?” Dean says, staring at Cas, mesmerized by the way the man next to him could look so perfect without even trying.  
“Dean! The light!” Cas yells and Dean slams on the brakes, hand moving and wrapping around Cas’ front, protecting him from the sudden stop.  
“You know I love when you stare at me, but it would be great if you stared at the road more, especially when you’re driving babe.” Cas laughs, hand wrapping around Dean’s arm that was holding him in his seat.  
~  
'Cause there we are again on that little town street.  
You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over me.  
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.  
~  
It was winter and there was currently a foot of snow of the ground but Cas was going to be damned if they didn’t visit Gabe and Kali this weekend.  
“Besides, they’re only like twenty minutes away,” Cas adds as Dean grumbles about driving his baby in the snow, “thought I was your baby,” Cas teases, sticking his tongue out at Dean.  
“Yeah, yeah, you’re my baby and she’s my baby, you wouldn’t understand,” Dean says, hand rubbing the steering wheel a bit too much.  
“Whatever weirdo, let’s get going, you can park in their garage. Let Baby heal,” Cas teases, knowing that’s exactly what Dean was going to do.  
They got to Gabe’s house about an hour after they pulled out of their building’s parking garage. Apparently other people think this weather is the perfect time to be on the road.  
“Hey little brother!” Gabe says, wrapping his arm around Cas and shaking him, pulling Dean in with the other arm, “little brother’s boyfriend.”  
“Hey Gabe,” Cas grumbles, pushing Gabriel’s arm off him and pulling Dean away.  
Kali laughs at the interaction as she pulls Cas in for a hug, smiling politely at Dean. She lead them all to their dining room, sitting at the head of the table as the men gathered around at the sides.  
“So, Dean, it’s great to see you after so long! What’s it been? A few months?” Gabe asks, taking a sip of beer.  
“Yeah, that’s about right. Sorry we’ve been so busy with work lately,” Dean apologizes, smiling sincerely at Gabe and Kali.  
“Oh, don’t worry about it, I’m sure you and Cassie get real busy,” Gabe jokes, and Castiel glares at him while Kali smacks him upside the head.  
“Manners,” Kali remarks.  
Gabe rolls his eyes, “anyways, wanna see some pictures of little Cassie as a kid?”  
“Gabe!” Cas whines, blush filling his cheeks.  
“What? You were a real cutie back in the day. Not as much now, but that’s to be expected,” Gabe says, standing up before Kali or Cas can stop him.  
“I would love to see some pictures of Cas,” Dean says, smiling at Cas, who was giving him a small smile in return.  
“Okay! So mom kept all these photo albums of us as kids, and uh, she was throwing Cas’ out but I kinda stole them out of the trash, because mom sucks,” Gabe says, sitting down with a big, bulky photo album in his arms.  
“So this was Cas as a baby, one of the cutest babies I’ve ever seen. Oh! There’s me holding baby Cas. I was afraid I was gonna drop him on his head and he’d have permanent brain damage or something, but it looks like I successfully saved Cas from a lifetime of trouble.”  
Gabe went on and on about the photos of Cas, pointing out different people in the pictures, Cas chiming in every now and then to tell a story. Kali and Dean smiling on,  
And in that moment, with Gabe and Kali and Cas, Dean felt at home. Not the same as when he was with dad and Sammy but close. It was a nice feeling. Something Dean wasn’t sure he’d be able to replicate, but despite the odds they did. Him, Cas, Gabe, Kali, and Anna. A weird, but close family. And that’s all Dean’s ever wanted  
~  
Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red.  
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-size bed  
And your brother's telling stories about you on a tee ball team  
You tell me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me.  
~  
A few weeks later Cas calls Dean telling him that he’s staying late for work. Cas said some of the rats in the control group were not acting as they should be, so he was staying to try to figure out what variable would have affected them. Dean didn’t really think anything of it, since Cas often stayed late at work to care for the rats or to catch up on data entry. It didn’t really concern him until it became a near daily thing, Cas would call him around 4 o’clock and say he needed to stay an hour or two later. One night, when Cas said he would be late, Dean wanted to see what Cas was doing. Curious if all of these late nights were really just data entry.  
So, although he tried to convince himself he was just being paranoid, he drove the half hour from his job at the local high school to Cas’ job at the local research hospital. He didn’t really know where Cas’ lab was but he knew Dr. Luke Milton was the principal investigator, so he found his name on the directory and found his lab. The door to the lab was only accessible by key card but there was a small window that Dean could look through.  
His face dropped when he saw Cas in there. He expected him to be alone, sitting at his computer entering the day’s data into their system. But instead he was leaning against one of the lab counters, his face tipped back in laughter. A slightly shorter man with dark hair and a scruffy looking beard was standing across from him, his arms crossed at his chest. Dean didn’t know what to think. He didn’t know whether to bang on the door and demand that Castiel explain what was happening or go and cry in the nearest bathroom. He knew that this didn’t have to mean anything bad.They could just be colleagues working together. Talking after a long day. Instead of doing anything logical, Dean ran out of the hospital, to his car, and drove off as fast as possible.  
When Cas came home about an hour after Dean had, the lights were all off and there was loud music playing in their bedroom. He frowned, shrugging off his coat and calling for Dean. There wasn’t a response so Cas walked to their room, pushing the door open. He sees Dean curled into a ball under their covers, back facing him.  
“How long?” Dean asks, his voice thick, it was evident that he’s been crying.  
“What do you mean?”  
“How long have you been sleeping with that guy from your work?” Dean asks, still refusing to turn towards Cas.  
Cas almost laughs. It’s almost as crazy enough of an accusation for him to laugh. But he doesn’t. He knows that isn’t what Dean would want from him. Not now.  
“Dean, you know I would never cheat on you.”  
“Then who is he?” Dean asks, reluctantly flipping over to face his boyfriend, tear streaks down his face which was red and splotchy from all the crying.  
“Oh, Dean, no, it’s nothing like that. I swear,” Cas says, hesitantly sitting at the edge of the bed, wanting to comfort Dean, but not wanting to make him angrier, “Mick, he’s a research assistant in the lab, a postdoctoral fellow from England.”  
“Then why do you always stay late? Is it to talk to him? Is he more interesting than me?”  
Cas sighs, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples.  
“Dean, no, he’s not. We talk about the study. We talk about different possible outcomes based on our hypothesis. And yeah, we also talk about our life outside of work.”  
“What were you laughing about today?”  
Cas groaned, reaching out to pull a defeated looking Dean into his arms.  
“We were talking about how our parents both hated us, he came out to his family when he was 12, sent away to a camp for a summer then sent to live with his distant third cousin. His parents haven’t talked to him since. He can relate to me like that. It was just good to talk to someone who understands.”  
“Well I’m sorry my dad didn’t hate me enough to send me to a conversion camp, I’m sorry I can’t relate to all your psychotherapy shit Cas.”  
“Dean, it’s not like that. I’m glad you don’t have those memories! Nobody should. I would never wish them on my worst enemy.”  
“But-”  
“Dean, I promise. There’s nothing going on between Mick and I. He is a coworker. Do you really think I would cheat on you?’  
Dean shrugs, moving out of Castiel’s arms and facing the opposite wall again.  
That night Castiel slept on the couch. He was never home late from work again.  
~  
And I know it's long gone  
And there was nothing else I could do  
And I forget about you long enough  
To forget why I needed to  
~  
The breaking point was that spring. When Castiel came home one day, he wasn’t even that late, but Dean wanted to start a fight. He was looking to feel something. Anything. Even if that something was anger.  
“Were you shacking up with Mick?” Dean shouts, storming through the apartment to their bedroom.  
“No! Dean! Where is this coming from? I’m like a half an hour late! I’m sorry! We’re moving onto the next phase in the study! We had to finalize things.”  
“That was your excuse last time!”  
“Nothing happened last time! And nothing happened now! Why are you so paranoid all of a sudden?”  
Dean stopped abruptly in the middle of their room, Castiel standing hesitantly in the doorway.  
“You still haven’t told me you love me, not ever.”  
Cas lets out a short, bitter laugh, “are we seriously discussing this again? Dean! You know why I’ve never said it! The whole concept makes me feel uncomfortable! I hate thinking about it!”  
“Well, if you’re so uncomfortable with it, leave!” Dean shouts, sitting down on their bed.  
“No! Dean, you know that’s not what I mean! Come on, don’t do this!” Cas says, not budging from his position in the doorway.  
“No, I’m done being in love with someone who doesn’t even have the balls to say it back to me.”  
“Dean, you know that’s not why.”  
“Go.”  
Cas, not wanting to upset Dean even more was conflicted. Did Dean really want him to stay and fight for him? Or did he need the night to figure shit out? Cas figured the latter was a better option so without another thought he grabbed his keys and drove to his best friends’ apartment. He knew it was dumb to get ridiculously drunk and vent to Meg and Balthazar. He knew he should go back to Dean and drop down on his knees and beg him to love him. Beg Dean to love him even if he couldn’t return the sentiment out loud.  
But instead, he sat drinking straight from a bottle of whiskey and telling his friends stories about the earlier times with Dean. Before Dean told him he loved him. Before he had to worry about saying those three words back to him.  
~  
'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.  
We dance around the kitchen in the refrigerator light  
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.  
~  
They just moved in together, after dating for about a year and they had just finished putting everything away in the small kitchen. Dean had put on a Led Zeppelin tape, one he made for Cas. Cas had rolled his eyes and smiled at Dean, “a mixtape? Really? Are we 16?” But in reality it made Cas giddy. Made his heart leap that Dean made him a stupid, cheesy gift.  
“Come on baby, dance with me,” Dean says, tipping his head back to sing along with the tape, “Hey, hey mama, said the way you move!” Dean grabbed Cas’ hands and made the reluctant Cas dance along with him.  
Neither of them were very good at dancing, so they end up swaying their hips to the music, laughing at the ridiculous moves that one of them would come up with every so often.  
~  
Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,  
And maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.  
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.  
~  
Dean stayed in their bed crying until around midnight, when he felt like he had cried all of the tears out of his goddamn eyes. Eventually, he dragged himself out of their room and down the hallway to their small closet, pulling out his suitcase. He brought it back to their room, tossing it on the bed and pulling his clothes from their drawers, shoving them haphazardly into the bag. He couldn’t be with someone who didn’t love him back. He wasted 4 years loving a man who was never going to be able to return those feelings. Or at least express them. And he didn’t know how to cope with that. So he did what he knew best. He ran. He threw all of his clothes, most of them that is, into his suitcase, packing his backpack with other essentials, and grabbed his keys, taking one more look at the apartment they shared for 3 years before leaving for good.  
~  
After Cas sobered up, he called out of work for the next day, knowing there would be hell to pay but he didn’t care. He was too hungover to go in and do microsurgery on rat brains. He said bye to Meg and Balthazar who recapped some of the night for him before driving back to their apartment. He notices the Impala isn’t in it’s usual spot but he just assumes Dean left for work early, parent-teacher conferences or something like that. He unlocks their door and walks to their bedroom, immediately pulling open the drawers to change into something more comfortable than his work clothes from yesterday. After he grabbed a pair of his sweatpants he opened one of Dean’s drawers, hoping to steal one of his shirts. He used to do that all the time, he just loved laying there and being able to smell Dean even if they weren’t together. He frowned, noticing the first drawer he opened was empty. He quickly went through the rest of Dean’s drawer and his heart almost broke when they were all empty. He immediately calls Dean, and his phone goes straight to voicemail.  
Cas calls Dean’s work, asking them if he came in today, and they informed him that he took a sick day.  
He then tries Sam, who tells him Dean hasn’t talked to him in the past few days.  
He is desperate enough to call John, Dean’s dad, and really starts to worry when John hasn’t heard from Dean either.  
He even calls Benny, one of Dean’s close friends from college, who tells him, “whatever you did, best fix it buddy.”  
“Fuck, this can’t be happening,” Cas says, dropping to their bed.  
He sends Dean a quick text, “Hey, I hope everything is okay. Please answer this. Please let me know that you’re okay. Dean, I need to make sure you’re okay.”  
Not even a minute later Dean responds: I’m fine, Castiel. I just… I can’t be with you if you can’t love me as much as I love you.  
Call me, please.  
Dean calls, much to Castiel’s surprise and Cas answers on the first ring.  
“Dean,” Cas sighs, happy that he’s safe. That he’s not dead in a ditch or anything gruesome like that.  
“Cas,” Dean says, voice rough, he’s definitely been crying.  
~  
you call me up again just to break me like a promise.  
So casually cruel in the name of being honest.  
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here  
'Cause I remember it all, all, all too well.  
~  
Dean drove to Benny’s, knocking on his best friend’s door and practically falling into his arms crying when he opens the door. He explains what’s been going on and Benny tells him that he deserves better, someone who will love him back. Just as much as he loved them. Benny goes to work the next day but not before promising not to tell Cas that Dean is staying with him. Cas texts him, and he decides to answer. He even calls him when Cas asks him to.  
“Dean, I-” Cas pauses and Dean holds his breath.  
He’s hoping to hear those three words from Cas. The three words that he’s been holding back these past 4 years.  
“I’m so sorry Dean,” Cas finishes and Dean clenches his jaw, angrily throwing the pillow he was holding across the room.  
“Why? Why can’t you love me back Cas?”  
“Dean, please, just come back, we can fix this. I can fix this,” Cas pleads and Dean hears genuine pain and regret in his voice. His heart almost leaps out of his chest but he remembers what Benny told him.  
“I deserve better, Cas. I deserve someone who can love me back. Love me as much as I love them,” Dean says, trembling with every word. He barely finishes before breaking down and hanging up, not wanting to talk any longer. 

~  
Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it  
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it  
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own  
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone  
~  
Five months passed and Dean decided to stay with Benny after a little convincing on Benny’s part.  
“Save on rent, hang with your best friend, work on your feelings and shit,” He had said, patting Dean on the back.  
Cas sent Dean a box full of little things Dean left at their apartment, the one he hadn’t been back to since that fateful night. Notebooks, pictures, one of his plaid flannels. He pulled out an envelope at the bottom of the box that read ‘Open When You’re Ready’. Dean tucked that envelope back into the box and shoved it under his bed, which was previously the guest bedroom in Benny’s apartment. He was certainly not ready for whatever Cas had to tell him in this letter.  
He did however, shrug on the flannel he sent back, cuddling into it, relishing in how it smelled like him but it also smelled like Cas. Maybe Cas wore it over these past months or something. That shouldn’t matter to Dean though. He convinced himself that it didn’t matter.  
~  
But you keep my old scarf from that very first week  
'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me  
You can't get rid of it, 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah  
~  
One thing Castiel never sent back to Dean was the red and black plaid scarf he gave to him that one winter. The one Dean left at Anna’s house. After Dean left, Cas went to Anna’s house for a week and cried in her arms. She brought him that scarf, saying that she totally forgot about it until he called her to tell her what happened. He brought home the scarf, with every intention to send it back to Dean. It was his after all. But instead, he slept with it at night, wrapped it in his arms, trying to remember what it felt like to hold Dean in his arms. Breathing in his scent before time ran out. Before it no longer smelled like Dean because Cas held it for too long. One day that was particularly bad, Cas sat down on their bed and held the one photo of them that he kept. They had plenty of pictures together, all on his phone. But he also took photos of them with his camera, saying that it was a good keepsake. He packed them all to Dean, except for this one.  
He stared down at the picture, color fading with curled edges. It was a photo of them standing on the top of the watchtower on Cape Cod, overlooking the lake. Dean was leaning into Castiel, who had his arm around Dean’s shoulder with a huge smile on his face. He doesn’t know why he kept this particular picture. Maybe because it was from an easier time. When Dean didn’t tell him he loved him. When he didn’t have to worry about expressing those types of feelings for him.  
~  
'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so  
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known  
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well  
Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all  
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all  
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

~

Dean shouted at Cas who was recklessly climbing the crumbling stairway to the top of the old concrete watchtower, “you’re gonna get yourself killed!”

Cas just looked back at him and smiled that wide goofy smile, “better catch up! Snooze you lose!”

Dean rolled his eyes but followed Cas up the stairs, making sure to carefully maneuver around the pieces of the stairway that looked like they would collapse. Once he made it to the top, the sun shining down on him, Cas wrapped his arms around his waist, chin resting on his shoulder.

“See? This isn’t as bad as you thought, is it?”

Dean shakes his head but wearily looks over the side of the concrete walls to the ground that was at least 200 feet below them.

“Are you sure this is safe?” He asks, as they both step closer to the side of the watchtower.

“Of course! Anna, Gabe and I used to have epic battles here, right Anna?” Cas called to his sister who was standing below the watchtower, holding his camera up.

“Hell yeah! Now smile and pretend like you like each other! Come on!” Anna shouts back and the pair move into a pose and lean a little over the edge. Dean is gripping the back of Cas’ shirt, afraid they’ll both tumble over and meet a tragic end. 

Cas laughed when he did so, right when Anna snapped the picture. 

“Ugh, Cas, you’re laughing! It’s ruined!”

“Nah! I’m sure he looks cute, come on,” Dean says, pulling Cas further towards the middle of the watchtower, towards the stairs down. Cas rolls his eyes, knowing Dean just wants to get out of this place before ‘it caves in’ on them like he said on the drive over. 

~  
Cas smiled fondly over that memory, wiping away a stray tear that fell down his cheek. He made his way to the window nook in their kitchen and sat down with a pad of paper and a pen.

He wanted to write to Dean. Maybe he could explain everything better in writing anyways. 

So he sat there and he wrote until his tears were blocking the paper and he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

~

Dean,

I’m so sorry that things ended like this. I never wanted this. I thought you were the one. The one I would spend the rest of my life with. I mean, it’s totally cheesy and something you would say, but it’s true. I thought you’d accept my downfalls, my failings, and we could grow old together. But now I realize that was selfish of me. It was selfish of me to assume that you’d be okay with that. Loving me, expressing how much you love me, and me never saying it in return. I hate that I couldn’t tell you that Dean. I’ve spent the last few weeks hating myself for not saying it back. But part of me, a total irrational part of my brain says that it was smart of me. It was smart to hide my feelings and not reciprocate those three spoken words. I now know that that part of me is an idiot but he’s still a part of me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be free from that part of me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to say those three words out loud. So I’m sorry I never said them to you. I hope you are doing well. That your living situation is okay. I’m mailing some of your things to Benny’s place, I’m assuming that’s where you are staying. If not, I’m sure he will send them to wherever they need to get to. Anyways, I wanted to tell you how much these past four years have meant to me Dean. I’ve never felt more loved than in those times. You expressed every emotion you ever felt, and I’m so so damn lucky I got to experience what that was like. I envy you in a way, I wish I could do that. Could express myself, let myself express every emotion I’m feeling, consequences be damned. But I’m not like you. I’m not brave enough. I honestly can’t believe how you put up with me for so many years when I couldn’t even tell you the one thing you wanted to hear more than anything else.

I know this probably will not mean much to you, and I understand. But Dean, I fucking love you. I love everything about you. I love your stupid green eyes that make me want to write poems about the color green. I love the way you pull me in for a hug, wrapping your arms around me tightly, I wish you never let go. I love the way you laugh at my stupid science jokes even though you definitely don’t understand them. I love that you cook for me because you know how terrible my cooking is. I love how you teach your students with such enthusiasm, and you get them to like the material!! History! Imagine that. I’m just kidding of course, you know I love how much you love history. I love how you ask me how my days are and listen to me ramble on about science and words you don’t understand. I love that you never once complained about my shitty habits like leaving my dirty dishes in the sink or taking showers that are way too long and definitely don’t help the environment. I love that you loved me unconditionally, despite all my downfalls, and I have plenty. I love that you got along with Gabe and Anna even though Gabe can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. I love that you would stay up with me on nights I couldn’t sleep because the nightmares were too bad. I love that you were always there for me, in every sense of the word, when I couldn’t give myself, my whole self, to you. And I know this won’t change anything, and I know you might not even read this, but, Dean, I might have never said it out loud but I love you so much. I love you more than you could ever know. I’m sorry I could never express that when we were together. I’m sorry I put you through that. Through everything. 

Best,  
Cas

~

It’s been a year since Dean left. A lot has changed. Cas moves in with Meg and Balthazar to pay off more of his student loans since the rent hiked up for him without Dean to pay half. Dean is still living with Benny, doing his best every single day to get out of bed and ignore the envelope collecting dust underneath it. The both seemingly moved on. Four years and it was like they were never together. Cas stopped talking to Mick for a while after Dean left, but he started to open up about what happened. Confiding in Mick after a late night in the lab sometimes. One night they went to a bar after a Friday’s presentation to the hospital’s Internal Review Board, which determined which studies got funding and which got axed. Everything went well and they were out celebrating. 

“You know; this is the first time I’ve been happy in a very long time,” Cas muses, sipping his vodka soda from that ridiculously small straw they always added. 

“Well I’m glad I can be here for that Castiel, you deserve to be happy,” Mick says, smiling back at Cas.

Mick was probably the only person who would call Cas “Castiel”. People normally only called him Castiel when he was in trouble. It was nice to hear his full name on the lips of someone who wasn’t yelling at him. 

“I’m glad you’re here too Mick. For everything.”

Cas wasn’t quite sure what happened after his fourth vodka soda but he remembers pulling Mick close in the back of their cab and kissing him, pushing away when he realized Mick was frozen in place.

“Shit, shit, I’m sorry, I’m so bad at this, I haven’t done this in so long, fuck,” Castiel says, fingers touching his own lips in awe of what he’d just done. 

“Wait, Castiel, kiss me again,” Mick says, leaning in, waiting for Cas to initiate the encounter.

Castiel doesn’t hesitate this time, pulling Mick closer by the back of his neck and kissing him, eagerly pressing their lips together. It felt different than with Dean. It wasn’t passionate or loving. It was eager and hot and needy. And that’s exactly what Cas needed. Not another person who needed him to say ‘I love you’. Someone who understood what he could and couldn’t do because of his past. 

Mick pulled away when the cab driver coughed, they had reached Cas’ apartment and Cas awkwardly stumbled out, paying the driver enough to get Mick back to his own apartment.

“You’re not gonna invite me up?” Mick asks, pouting.

“I don’t invite guys up after the first date. Besides I have two roommates who would never let me live it down,” Cas says with a wink before the cab drove away with a dumbfounded Mick in the backseat. 

~

Dean was done wondering about what Cas might’ve written. What Cas had to say to him. One night, a particularly rough night where he didn’t have the energy to get out of bed, he grasped the box under his bed, dusting off the cover and pulling the envelope from it. 

‘Open When You’re Ready’

Dean didn’t know if he would ever be ready for what was inside the envelope but despite every bone in his body telling him to throw the letter out, that it doesn’t matter anymore, he opened it anyways. 

His eyes welled with tears as he read through the letter. Tears dripping onto the paper. His hands were shaking when he put down the letter. 

Cas loves him. 

Or loved him. Past tense. It’s been a year. Cas has moved on. That’s what any sensible person would do. And Dean deserves someone who could love him. Not just write it on a piece of paper. But those words still tug on Dean’s heart, ‘I love you’. God, how he’d longed to hear those words from Cas. On paper wasn’t the same thing but it was Cas’ handwriting and the paper smelled like Cas and it made Dean want to forget all of their problems and the past year of progress and run back into his arms. If Cas would have him.

“Dean? Brought some grub back from the diner!” Benny yells, the door slamming behind him.

Dean attempts to wipe the tears from his eyes and shove the letter back into the envelope and into the box. Benny caught him while he was pushing the box under the bed.

“you read the letter didn’t you?”

Dean really couldn’t lie to Benny, Dean’s face was an open book by now. So he nods and buries his face in his hand. 

“Hey, it’s okay, what did it say? How do you feel?”

“Feel like shit, he said he loves me. Or loved. I don’t fucking know. It was a year ago. Lots changed.”

“Yeah, but did he ever tell you in person? No. And that’s what you need. That’s what you deserve. Okay? Not some letter trying to win you back after he messed up.” 

“I know but-.”

“No buts in this home. Let’s go, I brought fried clams.”

Dean sat up, walking with Benny to his kitchen. Benny was right. Dean knows that. But he wishes he wasn’t. He wishes more than anything that Cas would call him one day and say those three words. But he knew deep down it wouldn’t happen. Not now. Not ever. So he sat with his best friend and ate way too many fried clams and laughed when Benny told him about some of his customers. And although this wasn’t necessarily where he thought he’d be three years ago, he was content. He didn’t feel burdened by the fact that his boyfriend couldn’t tell him that he loves him. He didn’t feel bogged down by that nagging voice saying that Cas never loved him. He felt at home. At least temporarily. And that’s all that Dean ever needed.


End file.
